It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
