Im at strip club and am horny
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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