I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
