Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
