I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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