Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
