I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
