Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
