You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
