I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Even my vagina gasped.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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