i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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