I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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