the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
