yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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