Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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