I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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