At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
