Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
