yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
