last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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