Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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