You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
