So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
She told me I should be a condom model.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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