I think my fart just growled at me.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
