So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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