Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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