We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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