I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
