I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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