I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
