Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
