i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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