In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
