Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
