if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
3pm strippers are depressing
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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