apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
