i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
