She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
