you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
