I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
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you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
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Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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