That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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