At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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