Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
3pm strippers are depressing
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Randomize
