She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
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I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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