The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
