i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
