I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
