HIV tests are more positive than that guy
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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