you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
