the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
