so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize