Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
