just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
