some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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