Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
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and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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